Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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