you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
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