Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
