I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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