I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
