I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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