I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
