my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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