I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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