She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
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