oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
