I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
