I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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