we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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