i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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