piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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