The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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