hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you inspire me to be a worse person
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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