pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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