I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
