I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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