Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
