I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
