you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize