I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
