Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
