Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
