Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
