every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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