I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
