i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
