I'm so fucking centered right now
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
