My first STD was from a foam party
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
