Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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