Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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