At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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