just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
