my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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