it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
