Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
