i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
