Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
