i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
