I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
