how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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