last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
