Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
