sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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