don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
