Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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