She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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