My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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