No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
