if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
