Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
