and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
