i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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