Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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