How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
