Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
