before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
